runs over the embankment, in the steam-boat
which blows up, in the cab which breaks down,
and a depositor in the bank which stops
payment.

And now I come to Timkins and his
Testimonials.

Fortune has various ways of showing her
favours. She has all sorts of prizes in her lucky
bag. Timkins draws Testimonials. He is
magnetised for that sort of thing. Whenever
they come within the sphere of his influence,
silver cups, and tea-services, and candelabra
with suitable inscriptions, fly to him, like tin
tacks to a magnet. Not that Timkins deserves
these things. On the contrary, a more undeserving
person than Timkins does not exist. I
have been acquainted with Timkins now for
twenty years, and I know him to be a man
utterly incapable of efficiently performing any
function whatever. I have so poor an opinion of
his intelligence and his honesty, that I would
not trust him to post a letter for me. If I were
to give him a letter, and a penny, and say,
"Timkins, oblige me, as you go along, by
putting a stamp on this letter, and posting it for
the country," I should fully expect Timkins to
put the letter in his pocket, and forget all about
it, and spend the penny in nuts! And I should
not be disappointed. Did you ever know a
man who bought pennyworths of nuts, and
cracked them with his teeth, and ate them as
he went along the streets, who wasn't one of
Nature's supernumeraries? In the great Drama
of Life he can scarcely be trusted to carry a
banner.

The chief distinction of Timkins is that he
has, during his career, mismanaged everything
he has taken in hand so entirely to the satisfaction
of his employers, as, on every occasion,
when he has been dismissed from his office, to
receive at their hands a testimonial expressive
of high regard and esteem.

Twenty years ago, when a new bank was
started, and a new manager was required, the
directors with one voice mentioned Timkins as
the man for the post. Timkins was installed,
and the shareholders were congratulated. At
the end of two years the accounts were found
to be in a state of hopeless confusion; and a
reckless system of making advances without
adequate security had reduced the concern to
the verge of bankruptcy. In Timkins's private
drawer were found bills for many thousands of
pounds which had never been presented, and a
heap of nutshells! What did the directors do?
Why, at their very next meeting, they said with
one voice, "Timkins must have a testimonial."
And on dispensing with his services, the
directors presented Timkins with a silver tea-
service, duly inscribed with his name, and a
gratifying allusion to his eminent services.

When it was bruited abroad that Timkins
had received a testimonial, and was "at liberty,"
there was immediately a hot competition to
secure him for other large concerns. Directors
and shareholders tumbled over each other in
the street in their mad race to get hold of the
eminent Timkins and engage him on the spot.
A gentleman interested in a building society
was the lucky individual who won the race, and
found Timkins quietly waiting on Providence
and cracking nuts. Timkins was carried off in
triumph, and immediately thrust into the secretarial
chair of the Every-Man-his-own-Landlord
Building, and Safe-as-the-Bank Investment,
Society. Guided by the sagacity, and acting on
the advice of, Timkins, the society purchased
a marsh and (with due regard to economy,
dispensing with drainage) built houses upon it.
In due time the houses were allotted, and at
the end of two years all the occupants, save
one who had a preternatural constitution, died
of ague!

Timkins was immediately invited to a
complimentary dinner, and after the cloth was
drawn his health was proposed, and the surviving
members of the society begged his acceptance
of a silver urn as a small token of the high
esteem in which they held him as a man and
the manager of their affairs. When the urn,
which, during the feast, had remained a corpse-
like mystery under a white sheet, was gently
unveiled, Timkins said he was completely taken
by surprise, which was no affectation, but the
real truth, for it had never entered Timkins's
mind to conceive that he had merited a
testimonial; nor had he any share in promoting it.
When the society was eventually wound up,
and the funds were divided, as far as they
would go (which was not far), Timkins received
another testimonial from his clients in the shape
of a portrait, in oil, of himself, his right hand
grasping a scroll (probably the title-deeds of the
houses on the marsh), and his left resting upon
the works of Adam Smith in one vol., lettered
large on the back.

When Timkins conferred further lustre upon
himself by becoming bankrupt and giving up
forty-eight pounds and his household effects to
his creditors, the commissioner complimented
him on his honourable conduct, allowed him
five pounds a week out of the estate pending
adjudication, and eventually, there being no
opposition, gave him a first-class certificate.
On leaving the court without a stain on his
character, Timkins was shaken by the hand and
congratulated by all his creditors, who, before
the week was out, returned to him the household
effects and testimonials which he had so
honourably given up, accompanied by an address
on vellum highly laudatory of his integrity, and
wishing him all prosperity in the future.

It was never my good fortune to have any
personal dealings with Timkins until this
auspicious epoch of his career. It happened
however, at this time, that our Benevolent Society,
with which was combined a Philosophical Institute,
wanted a secretary. Whom shall we get
to take charge of our affairs? was the
momentous question which agitated the committee
meeting of our society, when a member, laying
down the evening paper in which he had been
reading an account of Timkins's bankruptcy,
solved the problem by mentioning the magic