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"then, come into the Peace Society." Says
I, " Why come in there, Bates?" Says Bates,
"Because we declare we won't have War or
show of War. We won't have armies, navies,
camps, or ships. England shall he disarmed,
we say, and all these horrors ended." Says I,
"How ended, Bates?" Says Bates, "By
arbitration. We have a Dove Delegate from
America, and a Mouse Delegate from France;
and we are establishing a Bond of
brotherhood, and that'll do it." "Alas! It will
NOT do it, Bates. I, too, have thought upon
the horrors of war, of the blessings of peace,
and of the fatal distraction of men's minds
from seeking them, by the roll of the drum
and the thunder of the inexorable cannon.
However, Bates, the world is not so far upon
its course, yet, but that there are tyrants
and oppressors left upon it, watchful to find
Freedom weak that they may strike, and
backed by great armies. O John Bates, look
out towards Austria, look out towards Russia,
look out towards Germany, look out towards
the purple Sea, that lies so beautiful and calm
beyond the filthy jails of Naples! Do you
see nothing there?" Says Bates (like the
sister in Blue Beard, but much more
triumphantly) "I see nothing there, but dust;"—
and this is one of the inconveniences of a
fattened Whole and indivisible Hog, that it
fills up the doorway, and its breeders cannot
see beyond it. " Dust! " says Bates. I tell
Bates that it is because there are, behind
that dust, oppressors and oppressed, arrayed
against each other that it is because there
are, beyond his Dove Delegate and his Mouse
Delegate, the wild beasts of the Forestthat
it is because I dread and hate the miseries of
tyranny and warthat it is because I would
not be soldier-ridden, nor have other men so
that I am not for the disarming of England,
and cannot be a member of his Peace Society:
admitting all his premises, but denying his
conclusion. Whereupon Bates, otherwise just
and sensible, insinuates that not being for his
Whole and indivisible Hog, I can be for no
part of his Hog; and that I have never felt
or thought what his Society now tells me it,
and only it, feels and thinks as a new
discovery; and that when I am told of the new
discovery I don't care for it!

Mankind can only be regenerated by dining
on Vegetables. Why? Certain worthy
gentlemen have dined, it seems, on vegetables for
ever so many years, and are none the worse
for it. Straightway, these excellent men,
excited to the highest pitch, announce
themselves by public advertisement as
platform, hold a vegetable festival, and proceed
to show, not without prolixity and weak jokes,
that a vegetable diet is the only true faith,
and that, in eating meat, mankind is wholly
mistaken and partially corrupt. Distinguished
Vegetarians. As the men who wear Nankeen
trousers might hold a similar meeting, and
become Distinguished Nankeenarians! But
am I to have NO meat? If I take a pledge to
eat three cauliflowers daily in the cauliflower
season, a peck of peas daily in the pea time,
a gallon of broad Windsor beans daily when
beans are "in," and a young cabbage or so
every morning before breakfast, with perhaps
a little ginger between meals (as a vegetable
substance, corrective of that windy diet), may
I not be allowed half an ounce of gravy-
beef to flavour my potatoes? Not a shred!
Distinguished Vegetarians can acknowledge no
imperfect animal. Their Hog must be a Whole
Hog, according to the fashion of the time.

Now, we would so far renew the custom of
sacrificing animals, as to recommend that
an altar be erected to Our Country, at
present sheltering so many of these very
inconvenient and unwieldy Hogs, on which
their grosser portions should be "burnt and
purged away." The Whole Hog of the
Temperance Movement, divested of its intemperate
assumption of infallibility and of its
intemperate determination to run grunting at the
legs of the general population of this empire,
would be a far less unclean and a far more
serviceable creature than at present. The
Whole Hog of the Peace Society, acquiring
the recognition of a community of feeling
between itself and many who hold war in no
less abhorrence, but who yet believe, that, in
the present era of the world, some preparation
against it is a preservative of peace and a
restraint upon despotism, would become as
much enlightened as its learned predecessor
Toby, of Immortal Memory. And if
distinguished Vegetarians, of all kinds, would only
allow a little meat; and if distinguished
Fleshmeatarians, of all kinds, would only yield
a little vegetable; if the former, quietly
devouring the fruits of the earth to any extent,
would admit the possible morality of mashed
potatoes with beef and if the latter would
concede a little spinach with gammon; and if
both could manage to get on with a little less
platformingthere being at present rather an
undue preponderance of cry over woolif all of
us, in short, were to yield up something of our
whole and entire animals, it might be very much
the better in the end, both for us and for them.

After all, my friends and brothers, even the
best Whole and indivisible Hog may be but a
small fragment of the higher and greater
work, called Education?


In England, when you place yourself under
the hands of a barber, he usually chatters
politics; in the East, he tells you a story.
While I was having my head shaved in Cairo,
the operator told me the following tale:—

In the city of Cairo, near the Bab el
Fontonah, once dwelt a man, a saddle-maker,
named Radawan, who had a young wife and
one son. He was of a timid disposition, and
was much respected by his neighbours. The
great delight of his heart was, on returning

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