the credit of making an immense revenue
out of the fines we impose: whereas, we
really receive less than the office costs us
in doctors' bills, consequent upon our
exposure to the night air, for being laughed at
in combination-rooms, exposed in the papers,
and hissed in the senate-house.

These are evils which Fellowships are heirs
to from time to time only; but, there are
others which are chronic, and never leave us.
All charitable institutions, all begging clergymen, all conservative associations, all
starving intelligences whatsoever, consider
themselves to have a moral pull upon our
purse-strings. No sooner have we subscribed
to the Articles of the Church, and the regulations
of our college, than we have to subscribe
to these: " It is only necessary, the rector
and churchwardens of St. Anthony the Bigger
are aware, that a Fellow of St. Boniface be
informed that their Reredos requires fresh
gilding, in order that that indispensable
Christian work may be assisted to the
utmost of his means; " or, " Mr. Jones is
respectfully apprised that the Defence List
in the great cause of Mole versus Blindworm,
now pending before the ecclesiastical
tribunals, is still open: good churchmen are
entreated to give abundantly; 'Ye shall know
them by their fruits.' Please to cross your
cheques." And, on the other hand, "A
charity (sic) school has been recently
established in my parish by a confirmed heretic;
the girls are now embracing the very worst
errors of Pelagianism. What is an
evangelical minister of restricted means to do?
A stamped envelope with direction (Rev. Jog
Trotter) is enclosed, and will be inquired
after. Bankers, Takit and Kepit, Poultry;"
or, "A few crumbs urgently needed at Much-
Stick-in-the-Mud. Atheism is there awfully
prevalent: the leader of the party cannot
read, but, having made a good deal of money,
will pay any one else for reading (aloud) his
horrid books in the public-house, nearly all
of which are in his hands. They bullied my
predecessor to death: having defeated him
in a beer-house case, they got his portrait
taken on a very large scale, in his robes, with
Satan on one side of him, and a policeman on
the other; this, having been carried about
the parish for several days, drove him mad,
and he died in a paroxysm of raving. Many
other facts might be mentioned which would
seem fabulous." To which statement the
vicar's name is appended, with that of three
other respectable referees.

Now and then, a parliamentary contest
arises, which tears asunder very lecturers,
and sets dean against dean; when Tweedledum,
M.A. and Q.C., promises to sacrifice his
all upon the opposition benches rather than
suffer the slightest hint of the intentions of
our beloved founders (pocket-handkerchief,
as in the criminal courts) to be overlooked,
or their least venerable injunctions to be
infringed upon, by an intidel parliament: which
is the more creditable, insomuch that
Tweedledum has forgotten his (Poll) Latin, and
could not read them to save his life.

While Tweedledee, M.A. and sergeant-at-
law, entreats us not to underrate his devotion
to our ancient benefactors when he proposes
that we should so far bend to the popular
will as to make public our charters and
regulations; that is to say, at least (wink as to
too voluminous witness) so much of them as
is expedient.

One great inconvenience, and even difficulty,
of our exalted position, is the having
perpetually to sign testimonials for our
old acquaintances to attest the religious
education, unblemished morals, perfect orthodoxy,
and virtues enough to suffice two
benches of bishops, of some Dick, Tom, or
Harry, whom we have not seen this twenty
years. Dear Jack Wildotes, who had a most
excellent judgment at loo, and cut the red
ball in from the spot better than any man at
St. Boniface of his day, is now a candidate
for the head-mastership of a clerical training
college, and requires my certificate of fitness.
"I am sure, old cock," he writes, with a
charming frankness, " that you remember
nothing against me in the ancient days to
prevent your serving your old friend at a
pinch like this; " and indeed I envy no man
the courage which can resist such an appeal.

Lastly, every term, and especially in the
May term, we are subject to the incursions
of strangers with letters of introduction from
these good folks. They come to be lionised,
and insist upon seeing me eat my food in
Hall—from a raised gallery which is founded
for that purpose—upon accompanying me to
chapel, upon saying precisely the same things
that everybody else has said about it all, ten
thousand times. It is positively taken ill by
some of my old college friends who live a
long way off, and use this ingenious means of
reminding me of them, that I have never
fallen a victim to the charms of their sisters
or other female relatives. " This must be a
very lonely life of yours, Mr. Jones," is a
remark that has been made to me by my old
friends' dearest Carolines, with meaning,
more than once.

It was only this last summer that the
mother of a grown-up family, visiting St.
Boniface, observed, '' How you must all feel
the want of female society here, Mr. Jones!
why, even old ladies (and shew as a very fine
one herself, and knew it) must bo quite at a
premium here!"

"Madam," said I—and it was a repartee
of which I am rather proud—" Madam, they
are indeed; and we testify our sense of their
value by making them the Heads of Houses."